My Own Worst Enemy

Let me start out by stating that this blog entry is in no way related to the short lived Christian Slater television series of the same name. Rather, it refers to literally my, personal, own worst enemy. That enemy is my own lack of discipline and inability to really commit to anything (except my wonderful wife of course..love you honey). You see I, like many of you reading this, have big dreams and even bigger aspirations. Many of you writers out there will understand the internal war between your creative ideas and your inability to translate those to paper. My problem then, now, and forever (it seems) has been my inability to stay on task, to day in and day out work toward those lofty dreams of mine in the sky.

My mentioning writers, as a group, in this blog is appropriate and intentional. You see I am currently what I would like to call an aspiring writer. I will not dare call myself a writer as I feel I have not written anything to warrant that title. In my opinion, too many people call themselves writers and then don't ever write anything and most definitely do not have anything published. You see to me you need to have something published in order to call yourself a writer. The size of the publication you have your work published in need not matter. It is just the idea that you need someone else to feel your work has merit and decide to share it with others. Then you have arrived and can call yourself a writer. But I digress as this is not what this blog entry should be about.

At this time, I have a very good, in my humble opinion, idea for a novel. An idea that I think is original, compelling, and fascinating, but most importantly one that I think would ultimately get published. I have written out character names, brief descriptions of these characters, and I have a very, very rough outline of the overall story. What I do not have at this time is anything truly put to paper. No first chapter, no first paragraph even. That is my problem. On one side I have a great ability to come up with interesting ideas and characters and on the other I have my overwhelming desires to avoid working, to avoid putting the hard work and time needed to turn these ideas into something solid. It is such a struggle, such a constant conflict, one that my internal procrastinator is winning handily.

It is so defeating mentally and emotionally every time I get excited about writing something and then do not write a thing. Deep down, somewhere deep in my gut, I really want to kick ass and take names. But that little part of myself never can find a platform, can never seem to find a voice amid the ruckus of the unruly mob of my self-loathing, apathy, and lethargy. There are times I wonder if I am really ever meant to be a successful writer. If perhaps my lack of interest or committment is really the universe's way of telling me to choose another profession. But then I am left wondering, what am I suppose to do instead??

Since I was a kid I always loved stories and loved telling stories. I devoured films, flew through books, and always was the one sitting close when a story was being told. I especially loved telling stories to my sister, when she was very young, and her friends at night before they went to sleep. I would create whole worlds for them, ones involving the usual trappings of princes, quests, villians, and damsels in distress. It was so much fun and she loved it.

As an adult my appetite for books wained and I stopped telling stories. Instead my interest in film became more fervent. I would see every summer blockbuster and through the miracle of the internet and film sites, I could tell you every production detail about said films. In fact, I still visit fan sites and film sites on a regular basis (too regular if you ask my wife). My interest in books has returned somewhat and once my son is old enough, I will be telling him stories. I feel the passion for stories and story-telling are still in me. My desire is there, my will is not.

Another problem that I am wrestling with, that is impacting my ability to write, is my own financial situation. I, like many of you out there, am struggling to make ends meet each month. What I am finding is that the stress of my finances is casting a shadow over any ambition I build up. I feel torn most of the time. On the one hand, I want to try and make more income to help get caught up or even, ideally, pay off some of our debts. On the other, I know I should be writing and get my novel written. The problem is that I know the writing process takes time, a great deal of time in fact. Then add to that the time it takes to get anything published, which is so long as well. I end up rationalizing my way out of even beginning the process as I know it will take too long before I would find any success (i.e. increased income).

Sometimes I feel like I have fires burning all around me and I can't figure out which one to put out first. This leads to me feeling overwhelmed and of course that kills my motivation to write. I just want to escape to the worlds created by television, movies, books, and video games. My financial situation is truthfully no one's fault but my own. We are where we are. I don't blame anyone. I just wish I could get some breathing room, some relief.

The truth is I know that so many artists, musicians, and writers have started out in worse financial situations than I find myself currently. It seems to be the fate of creative people to live in poverty prior to finding success. Perhaps it is the fact that they live in poverty that leads to a greater desire to succeed and hence their climb to stardom. I truly wish sometimes that I could find their strength and persevere through these hard times. Right now, it just seems hard to conjure that strength. My wife would say and has said "Don't worry about the bills, just write." I need to take that advice, I know.

At this point, let me make an admission: The conflict I describe here is one 99.9% of you reading this struggle with often. I understand this concept and don't want to seem like I am being a whiny child. I know I am not alone. But, I just decided that I wanted to vent about it this afternoon. I want to put to paper, figuratively of course, my frustrations with my own laziness and inability to work. I also wanted to use this entry to reach out to any of you out there who have found ways to overcome your complacency and work consistently on whatever it is you want to achieve personally and professionally. And let me say that I have read The Secret or any number of other self-help books. I want to hear from you, the people out there working hard to find your niche and become successful. So please, in the comments below share your story.

I feel that all of us creative people out there can find strength in each other. Hopefully, personally I can find the courage to commit to writing that novel and to writing in general. Truthfully, I am feeling alittle better already. Let's see if I can put one foot in front of the other, so to speak, for the next week, then the next month. Who knows...I may actually get a chapter written before I know it.