It has been a week or two since I re-established this blog, it's objectives, and my overall goals. Since that time I have written several blog posts, most of which had to do with politics and films (two of my favorite subjects). Writing those posts and writing again in general has been a good thing for me. However, I have yet to write anything outside of this blog. That kinda troubles me.
If I were to evaluate myself right now and declare in a sentence or two where I am at with writing I would say: I am a great idea man, great at analyzing a story and making it better, but am just not very good at writing a story based on my ideas. They always say those that can't do -teach, well I may be one of those after all.
An important part of life, I have found, is coming to know yourself. More specifically knowing your strengths and the flip side, your limitations. Part of knowing your limitations is accepting when something you think you have an interest in is just not something you are going to ever pursue for real. More bluntly, there comes a point when you realize you lack the true passion to make the dream you have become an everyday reality. You realize you can't keep using the dream to keep you positive and optimistic. You can't keep thinking to yourself that someday you will be the thing you dream of.
I am coming to that point. For many years I would tell others that I am an aspiring writer. But yet I would never actually sit down and write anything. I would keep dreaming of being a writer and telling myself that someday that it would happen. But I never sat down and made myself write anything. I lacked the true passion and discipline to commit. I am still doing that same thing even now. Although I have stopped telling people I am an aspiring writer anymore. Both because it is untrue and I don't want to have answer their next question-"What are you working on?"- as I know the answer is nothing.
As I have said at the beginning, this blog has been good for me. But as good as it has been, I still find myself weeks later not really wanting to commit to write any of the short story ideas I have or the massive novel I am fascinate with tackling. All these interested story ideas and outlines remain trapped in the various notebooks they are scribbled in. Known only by me.
Sure I could blame the kids, I could blame my 40 hr a week job, I could blame the stresses of bills and daycare, and.... Well you get the idea. The truth is I could blame all of these things, but I won't. Too many times it is too easy to blame your lack of success on outside factors. But that is just bullshit. It is a mechanism we all use to take the guilt off of us for our inaction and place it on some outside force. It is the crutch of choice for lazy people like myself and it is one that is sooo easy to latch onto.
Just as I have declared to do things differently by writing this blog, I need to also start doing things differently in relation to my writing. This starts with me first letting go of the dream of success and national acclaim as a best selling writer. I may yet become that, but it is not guaranteed and dwelling on it is a distraction I don't need. Rather, I am going to dream of writing my first short story, I am going to dream of completing my first chapter of the novel. My dreams are going to become much , much smaller.
Next, I am going to become more organized. Structure and routine are the foundations of any good writer I feel. Writing takes dicipline and I have none. So now I am going to have a schedule as to when I will write. I think by setting a block of time to write will force me to actually do it. At least that it is my hope.
Lastly, I need to reach out and get into the company of other writers and creative types. My wife is very creative, but her creativity is related to interior design which is a field I cannot use. Rather, I need to seek out a good writing group to meet with on a semi regular basis. With the support of other writers, not to mention the requirement to bring something written along, will hopefully help get me on track.
I know I started this blog post by stating I may be coming to the point where I need to give up on writing fiction. I do agree that the window is closing on that particular dream. However, I am going to make one last ditch effort to give writing a go. As much as I have my doubts about following through, I can't simply give up without making one last monster effort.
So here is how this is gonna work: The next day after one of my writing days I am going to come on here and write another post about what I accomplished on that writing day. You my readers, as few as you are right now, will hold me accountable to write and relay to you how that writing went.
Over the next few days I am going to develop a schedule as to when and how I am going to write. I will share that schedule with all of you once it is completed. My hope is with this blog and some structure I can finally start to put words on the page.
My dream of writing may be on life support, but I am willing to roll up my sleeves and pull out the paddles. Clear!.....Zap......Pow! We are in this together now- you and me. Writer wanna be and audience.
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