God has a way of continually reminding me what a lazy, whiny person I am. I mean seriously. He continues to point me in the direction of news stories and people who either have it harder than I do currently, be it financially, physically, or personally. Or people who have large obstacles or hardships and overcome them to achieve great success. Yesterday it was a story of a man who lost both legs in combat and went on to train for and win a para-olympic event. Today it was this story.
There is this girl in Texas named Lizzie Velasquez. She was born with a rare disorder that causes her to have no adipose tissue, which means she is unable to produce muscle, store energy, or gain weight. It is such a rare condition that there are only two other people in the world who have it. When Lizzie was in high school, one of Lizzie's classmates posted a video to YouTube calling her the world ugliest woman. Scores of nasty, despicable comments were posted to the video, many of which called her a monster or told her to kill herself. You see due to Lizzie's condition she does look different than many, you can see the photos of her at the link. But I would not say she is ugly per se.
Lizzie doesn't think she is ugly either. She read each and every one of the comments on that YouTube video, every one. Then she took those comments and used them as motivation to achieve her goals. One was to be an author. This year Lizzie has published her second book titled "Be Beautiful, Be You". Her next goal was to be a motivational speaker. She has done that too and has spoken at over 200 workshops across the country. She also wanted to graduate college. Lizzie is currently a senior studying communication as Texas State University.
The point here is that despite the major health issues, despite the social hurdles she has to overcome, Lizzie went out and did what she wanted in life and she is only 23! I am 34 and have done none of the things I wanted to in my life.
That statement comes across pretty loaded and I am sure it makes it clear I have many regrets. I do, but not in the ways you would think. I do not look back at the wrong choices I have made and dwell on them. Nor do I allow my past choices to cause me sadness or fill me with remorse. No, I look back at my choices, both wrong and right, and figure out why I made them and in the case of some how I can make better choices both now and in the future. So I have the right mindset, right?
But at the same time I keep making the same mistakes. I keep finding new and exciting ways to put off what I want. To push back the hard work I should be engaged in now off to another day, another week, and another year. I lack discipline, I lack clear focus, and I am a coward.
Which brings me back to my original statement- God keeps bringing these stories and people to my attention. Every time I feel down, or begin to doubt myself someone or something comes my way to tell me to knock it off or remember what is at stake and there are those who have overcome much more in life than I. The question is why? Why does he keep showing me those worse off or those who are doing great things. The answer is pretty obvious. He wants me to stand up, stop feeling sorry for myself and work toward those goals and dreams I had so long ago. He wants me to put fear aside, to put my overwhelming tendency to want to play it safe and take a risk. He wants me to live.
You see the message has been received, loud and clear. But understanding the message is one thing, taking action on it is another. The clouds and fog that had surrounded my vision for my own future have started to clear over the past 6 months or so. Up until this point I had many, many different careers I thought would interest me, none of them things I was super passionate about, none of them lighting a fire so to speak. Sure they were all better than my hum-drum insurance job, but none of them felt firm to me.
I see all these people who just know who they are suppose to be. A light bulb goes on and they just hit the ground running and go get it. I have never been one of those people. I would get excited about something, do it for awhile and abandon it within months of the start. I was always good at starting something and terrible at seeing it through. I still am in many ways. It is one of my most infuriating traits, one that has contributed greatly to where I find myself presently. It is my worst trait and one that I worry will plague me the rest of my life.
My other worst trait- cowardice. I am a coward through and through. I will take the easy path 9 times out of 10, I assure you. Being successful is not easy, nor does it come without a great deal of obstacles and setbacks, but most of all it does not come without risk. I refuse, for whatever reason, to take a risk in my life. I would rather stay in a job that offers no advancement, no salary increases, and is not in the field I originally intended to be in rather than take a risk and leave. It is kind of just dumb when you really look at it. I would rather stay put not making enough to make ends meet rather than take a change on a new job or dare I say it: go after my bigger dream of being a writer.
Yes, you heard me. I want to be a writer. A writer of novels, screenplays, and even blog entries like this one. Novels are the most important to me right now. I have, what I would consider to be, a great idea for a novel. I started work on it and then stopped (surprise, surprise). But it is something I really want to write and I do believe the eventual novel would be great. But you see my cowardice and laziness work hand in hand to prevent me from starting it.
I am cowardly because I am afraid of rejection and afraid of the eventual criticism my novel would face. I am lazy in that I do not work to make the time to write once my two boys go to sleep. You look at brave Lizzie up there and she has found the time to write not one, but two books while also public speaking and attending college. Granted she has no kids, like I do. At the end of the day that is another excuse too. Lizzie refuses to say No and yet I have no problem doing so. I have no problem saying No to my dream and continuing to put it off, and put it off.
Add to that my two boys, who I love more than anything in the world. I want them to be proud of their father and I want them to have all the opportunities I did not. I want to do well by them, I really truthfully do. But even those feeling of obligation, responsibility, and leaving a legacy are not enough to motivate me to go after things with both hands. I make excuses, clever ones sometimes. But they are excuses nonetheless.
So I am not the man I thought I would be and do not really have a firm grasp on how to get myself there. The clock is ticking, it always has, and I am sitting still waiting on my life to pass me by. So I ask myself yet again: What the fuck am I doing?
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